A different approach to HR (Yorkshire Dialect) Humour


Human Recourses

“Ee lass come in and sit down tell thee Uncle Eric all about it,” Eric Ollerenshaw mithered to some stuck up bitch from t’office on third floor. Eric were CEO and in charge of Human Recourses at Ollerenshaw’s Mill.

Elanore shuffled awkwardly into the room and sat opposite Eric.

“It’s Dan, the lad who I work with, he put his hand up my skirt,” she announced.

“Grabbed thee pussy did he?” Eric enquired, “Inside the pants or outside?”

“No just touched me.” she said.

“You sure it weren’t accidental like?” Eric asked.

“No, absolutely not,” Elanore insisted.

“Cause thee ‘ent exactly Miss World, thee’d not make final fifty for Miss Halifax, if I were being honest, yet thee looks down thee snout at honest working class folk like Dan and me.” Eric ventured.

“How dare you, Dolores warned me about you, I wish I had listened,” she replied.

“Look, that Dolores, well she is a lazy, ugly, overweight, fat tart we a face like bulldog chewing a wasp if you get my drift, no offence like.” Eric replied.

“No offence, that’s the most offensive thing I have ever heard,” Elanore protested.

“That’s nowt,” Eric chuckled, “Thee ought to look at some of the Bernard Manning Videos, on RePlayer thats offensive, bloody funny though.”

“Look are you going to take this complaint seriosly?” Elanore demanded.

“Absaluteament,” Eric agreed, “So show us where he bruised thee pussy.”

“He didn’t.” she sighed.

“So what thee complaining about,” he asked.

“He touched my leg,” she insisted.

“Reet, so thee wanted him to grab thee pussy,” he suggested, “Mebbee stick a couple of fingers up or mebbee a thumb up thee ass hole.”

“How dare you!” she replied angrily and blushed at the same time.

“Thee’s bloody frustrated that’s long and short on’t,” Eric sighed, “Well thee’s in luck, me half eleven’s cancelled so I can give thee a seein’ to quick sharp wi out havin’ to dock thee time for mithering about nowt.”

“Now hold on a minute,” she bridled.

“I shan’t bloody charge thee, if that’s what’s bothering thee,” Eric reassured her.

“It’s sexual harassment!” she complained.

Eric escort kocaeli smirked, “I know love but I shan’t report thee if thee drops thee’s knickers quick smart.”

“But I will!” she snapped, “Report it I mean.”

“One bint as I had could do dictation bent over desk as I fucked her up t’ass tha knows.” Eric recalled, “Elsie Braddock.”

“If you are expecting me to,” she started to protest.

“Nay lass, thee can start be typing letter as I fucks thee if it’s what thee wants.” he offered.

“I do not wish to be humiliated!” she snapped again.

“Who said owt about humiliation? I’m not planning on tying thee up and whipping thee?” he explained, “There’s nowt humiliating about a good seeing to as long as there’s no CCTV and door’s locked.”

“That is not the point!” she insisted.

“So why did thee come?” Eric asked.

“Dan touched my leg,” she explained.

“He can put a beer bottle up thee cunt for all I care,” Eric sighed, “Does thee want a fuck or not.”

“No!” she replied.

“Then fuck off back to typing pool afore I dock thee wages.” he suggested.

“But he touched my leg!” Elanore protested, “Up my skirt, it’s sexual harassment contrary to the.”

“It’s bollocks is that, bints is always up for a bit of how’s thee father,” Eric explained, “It’ll be me doin’ thee a favour when I does thee not t’other way round.”

“Will you take my complaint seriously!” she demanded.

“Aye,” Eric agreed, “I’ll use condom if thee has a complaint, I ‘ent that stupid.”

“Really, then I’ll report you to the Police!” she snapped.

“What have I done? except offer to do thee a favour,” Eric asked incredulously, “Bleeding heck.”

“You are a total Moron, and imbecile, a Dynosaur,” she snapped.

“Look that’s insubordination is that, I could have thee sacked for that, that’s libellous is that,” Eric blustered, “Anyroad round I don’t need no frustrated bints mekkin life awkward for hard working folk like Dan. What harm would it have done if he had stuck a couple of fingers up thee?”

“Its’s the principle!” she snapped.

“I like a bint we principles, drop thee knickers and bend over desk,” he kocaeli anal yapan escort suggested, “‘ll do thee from the back else the ugly face ‘ll put me off.”

“For the last time |I didn’t come her to be sexually abused!” she railed.

“Look, I’ll just shaft thee, no whips, no nipple clamps, no chains or needles through thee tits, nor leather hoods nor latex peep hole bras nor nothing,” Eric offered, “I’ll even let thee borrow a dildo and some lube so as you can have a little wank first to help me ease me self up thee.”

“I see there is no getting through to you Mr Ollerenshaw, so I’ll wish you good day.” Elanore stood up abruptly. There was a tearing sound. Eric burst out laughing.

“Eee the old one is best every time, The super glue on the chair trick!”

Elanore looked down at most of the ass of her dress firmly attached to the chair while her ass was clearly visible to all. Not only that but part of the ass of her pink panties were also stuck to the chair.

“You utter moron, you childish overbearing overweight ugly bore,” she railed.

Eric thumbed the intercom, “Dan, get thee ass in here, young Elanore has an itch what needs scratching.”

“That is the very last thing I want!” Elanore railed.

“Then why’s thee stood there with the ass out of thee dress like some common tart?” Eric asked.

Dan knocked the door, “Come in,” Eric ordered.

“Now see here,” Elanore warned.

“Why have you got the ass out of your dress Miss Hollingsworth?” Dan asked.

“Makes fingering easier,” Eric advised.

“He put superglue on the chair!” she explained.

“Good job you had knickers on or you could have skinned your ass,” Dan observed.

“She reckoned you fingered her pussy,” Eric explained.

“That mangy flea bitten mutt, I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole,” Dan replied.

“My Vagina,” she snapped.

“Bloody funny name for cat,” Dan observed.

“No she reckons you touched her leg,” Eric suggested.

“In her bloody dreams,” Dan exclaimed, “Every bloody day I has to sit there with the stench of Channel perfume and her bloody cleavage and it’s bloody izmit yabancı escort torture what with her being so ugly and that.”

“Fuck em from behind if them that ugly,” Eric advised, “Yer right about the tits though.”

“Oh great, great tits shame about the face!” she snapped, “How politically correct, I am here you know.”.

“Her mug’s nowt a few grands worth of plastic surgery wouldn’t solve,” Eric advised.

“Or a cardboard box over her head,” Dan suggested.

“Easier to do it from behind,” Eric ventured.

“You’ve superglued my panties to my bottom!” Elanore suddenly realised.

“Quick get some water,” Dan ordered, “Best get them off while we still can afore her needs skin graft.”

Elanore panicked.

“Bend over desk lass while Dan gets water,” Eric advised.

Elanore bent over the table as Dan returned.

He gently wetted her pink panties with water from a jug, “Try that.” he suggested.

Elanore eased the material away and pushed her panties down as the glue reluctantly gave up its hold.

“Very nice,” Eric observed as he spread her ass cheeks once the panties were on the floor.

“Oh no, no way,” Elanore gasped as she felt a finger easing its way into her vagina. “Don’t you dare put a finger on me Dan Matthews,” she railed.

“That’s no finger lass,” Eric laughed as Dan started to ease eight inches of pink man meat deep inside Elanore’s womb.

“Bastards,” she snapped.

“Does thee want to suck me cock?” Eric asked hopefully.

“No I do bloody not,” She replied, “Oh lord you’ve got me talking Yorkshire now.”

“How’s that?” Dan asked as his cock eased right in.

“Not out,” Eric said jovially, “This is fucking lad not bloody cricket.”

Elanore was still protesting but her breath was rasping as she tried and failed to contain her arousal. Dan’s efforts were moving the heavy desk across the floor risking a collision with a filing cabinet. Dan saw the danger and immediately shot his load deep in Elanore’s puss.

“You filthy pig!” she snapped as soon as she finished enjoying the experience.

“See problem solved, harmony restored,” Eric laughed, now his job of resolving his employees differences was well done, “See yourselves out I’ve a secretary what needs a seein’ to.”


All characters in this story are entirely fictitious and the whole thing is total bollocks really.

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